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Funny Quotes

 

Here is a collection of funny quotes. Also see the sister page, Funny Videos. The newest quotes are at the top of each list. Last Updated:

Note: I have configured the time of update to equal the current date on any given day.

Tropic Thunder

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the movie Tropic Thunder.

(Dialogue is in Mandarin, with English subtitles unless otherwise stated)

Tran: Wait! First you say rice paddy. Now you say poppy fields.
Kirk: Oh yes... I grow both. I diversify.
Tran: Exactly where is your farm?
Kirk: My farm?
Tran: (in English) Yes. Your farm.
Kirk: (in Mandarin) You speak with strange sounds.
Tran: (in English) Where is your farm?! American! (points gun at him)
(pause)
Kirk: (in English) Here’s my motherf------ farm! (takes two huge machine guns and starts firing)
Kirk: (in English) I’m a lead farmer motherf------!

Rush Hour

"Next time I come in here, you guys better clean this s--- up, and brush your teeth!"

How I Met Your Mother

(Barney is searching for a new wing man and has already hung up on a few people)
Barney (on the phone): Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson.
Willie: What up B dog, long time no bro, so are we gonna tire it up tonight or what?
Barney: Yes, finally!
Willie: Here is what's on the rocket tocket. My wife is gonna put the cheese out at seven, Scrabble at 8 PM, 9 PM we watch 27 Dresses, everybody's home by 11. Booya! (Barney hangs up and he calls Willie again)
Willie: Hello?
Barney: Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. (Barney hangs up)

Friends Quotes UPDATED

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the TV series Friends (Yes, the whole series).

Rachel: I know, but, you know, condoms only work, like, 97% of the time.
Ross: Wha-what? What!? Well, they should put that on the box!
Rachel: They do.
Ross: No they don't! [He checks]. Well, they should put it in huge black letters!
Rachel: Okay, Ross, come on, let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Well, I may as well have!

---

Ross: After everything he said, he'd go "ba dum bum chessh"
Chandler: Yeah, Monica doesn't like that either, Maybe I should stop doing that.
Ross: Oh you know what, girls don't like it when I start talking about science.
Chandler: That's not specific to girls.
Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Chandler: And they don't like it when you explain why your jokes are funny.
Ross: They don't like it when you keep asking them if they like you.
(Later)
Janine: Hey Joey, I got some beer for you.
Joey: Uh, don't you mean "for whom?"
Janine: Sure... Listen I was gonna order some pizza, you wanna share one?
Joey: Pizza, heh, its not like I never had that before...ba dum bum cheshhh.

---

(Phoebe is learning to be a telemarketer) Supervisor: "Why don’t we do a trial run."
Phoebe: "Oh okay." (Picks up the phone and pretends to call Supervisor) "Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?"
"I'm the supply manager."
"Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs."
"We don’t need any toner."
"Oh okay, well I’m sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah you’re right, this is easy."
"Okay, what was wrong with that call?"
"Oh well, all right...um, no offence, but you were kind of rude."
"They’re always going to tell you they don’t need toner, but that’s okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script." (Supervisor hands over a script book)
"Oh."
"So, I think you’re ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?"
"No. Oh wait yes! I do have one question. What is toner?"

(Later, from previous quote; on the phone) "Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? Earl, thanks. Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies I’d like to talk to you about your toner needs."
Jason Alexander's character: "I don’t need any toner."
"I’m hearing what you’re saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner."
"Not me."
"May I ask why?"
"You wanna know why. You really wanna know why?"
"I surely do!"
"Okay, I don’t need any toner because I’m going to kill myself."
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response in her book.) "Umm, is that because you’re out of toner?"

---

Rachel: "It's a sad day when your boss calls you 'Rackel' in the middle of the meeting. At the end of the day, everyone was calling me Racky."

Simpsons Quotes UPDATED

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the cartoon series The Simpsons.

YouTube Video - Soviet Union is reintroduced (Note: the first time I saw this episode was when I was 8 years old, so I had no idea what it was about. To understand this scene, you need a basic understanding of politics, including the concepts of communism and capitalism.)

 

Bart: "I'm going to go on the father-son rafting trip."
Homer (to himself): "Hehe, Bart doesn't have a son."

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel."

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."

"America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay."

(drunk) Homer: "Yeah, you're right Moe. You're always Moe."

Click here to listen to the sound file of the following quote.

Homer: So.. what do you do for fun around here?
Q'Toktok: Craig and Amy were digging a well.
Ak: Craig and Amy were also building a Chapel.
Homer: Craig and Amy, Craig and Amy! Why don't you just marry Craig and Amy.
Q'Toktok (whispers to Ak): I told you we should have asked them.

A person who looks exactly like Homer except with a moustache and a black hat walks into Moe's Tavern. Moe: "Get out of here Homer." Unknown person: “Homer, who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.” (Unknown person is thrown out of bar and real Homer walks past.) Homer: "Oh my god, this man is my exact double! Hehe, that dog has a puffy tail." (Chases dog.)

"Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?" "Yes." (lie detector blows up)

"Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?" "No." "Ham?" "No." "Pork chops?" "Dad, those all come from the same animal." "Heh heh heh. Oh, yeah, right, Lisa... a wonderful, magical animal."

Click here to listen to the sound file of the following quote.

"Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!" Homer's brain: "Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts." "Explain how!" Homer's brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services." "Woo-hoo!"

"Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday." "Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend."

Click here to listen to the sound file of the following quote.

"Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" "HOMER!" "I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening."

"From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way." "Isn't that just the wrong way?" "Yeah, but faster!"

[Santa's Little Helper runs with George Bush] Homer: "I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush."
Homer's brain: "There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it."
Homer: "D'oh!"

"Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!"

"That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car."

"All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

"Homer, I think we need a financial planner." "Financial panther, eh?" (thought bubble) "Mr Simpson, you're a dollar overdrawn." "Get 'im Sheva" (panther tears apart tax man)

"Gambling is bad. Blah blah blah..." "It's the president on the phone." "And then I said to the president, get this..." (Notices that Marge left some time ago) "Marge?"

"Homer, there's a bird on your head!" "I know, he's grooming me."

"Oh, they have the Internet on computers now!"

"Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr Simpson." (Homer headbutts the warden repeatedly)

"Tell you what, Mr Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson, at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr Thompson, you say hi." "Check!" "Hello, Mr Thompson." (Homer stares blankly) "Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson." "I gotcha!" "Hello, Mr Thompson." (Homer stares blankly) (FBI men stare at each other) (hours pass by) (frustrated) "Argh... Now when I say Hello Mr Thompson and press down on your foot, you smile and nod." "No problem." (stepping hard on Homer's foot) "Hello, Mr Thompson." (Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds) (whispering to the FBI man next to him) "I think he's talking to you."

(Talking about donuts) "There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit!"

"Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos."

"Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss!' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"

"Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. Stupid kid."

"Dad, everybody likes Whacking Day but I hate it. Is there something wrong with me?" "Yes, Honey." "Then what should I do?" "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball, and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the Referee with the whiskey bottle. Remember that?" "Yeah." "Your daddy hit the referee? "Yeah..." "Yeah."

"Lisa, I don't know what your doing but it's very strange and you father is trying to worry."

Personal and Chess-related Quotes UPDATED

You may need a basic understand of chess in order to understand some of the quotes.

Renagade shouts: my opponent had a perpetual check..and on the second
check he resigned???
Dinochess shouts: Maybe his brain malfunction.
--> babbal he click resign button instead of draw button
--> pretzelattack that was probably it
Dinochess shouts: lol, babbal, I think my explanation was more practical

"Don't say you can 'adapt to your environment', it makes you seem like some kind of lizard."

"Juniors is too weak this year." "Yeah, you should go there and impose your physical presence."

"You remember I said diversification was important? I'll make it clearer: diversify or die..."

The commentator at the demo boards is Sofia's husband GM Michael Rohde, who is in Manhattan Chess Club across the road and getting the moves on scoresheets carried by a running courier – cutting edge technology at the time.

"I accidentally hit him in the head with a mini golf club." "Hehe." "He's gone to hospital." "Oh, that's not so funny."

William(1): * As a Mac user, how do I access www.chess.fm?
djlogarithm(1): You can go to http://chess.fm in your browser

SSCPZS: but i see people who suck who are like 2500
ZentChess: Maybe you're not strong enough to realize they're actually good
luke: oh snap

"During the post-mortem, my opponent justified his choice of opening by saying, 'I'm not going to beat a 2000 player with the bloody QGD'."

"That's what happens when you choose a flippant name on the chess server: you win a major event and wish you hadn't called yourself 'Damn it' (in Czech)."

(Me playing FIFA 09) "What?! How come the keeper didn't stop me?" "That was an own goal you idiot."

(Playing Need for Speed Undercover) "I'm trying to buy the Porsche 911 GT3 RS." "Why don't you just get a Toyota Hilux?"

(Funny questions and answers in Learners Car Test) Why is it important to scan the road scene when you drive? It will help you stay awake.
What is a good way to test some of your driving performance when you are in a safe place? Accelerate as hard as possible around a corner.
What is a good way to test some of your driving performance when you are in a safe place? Speed up then brake suddenly.
You are driving while very tired. You suddenly realise you cannot remember the last few kilometres of road. What should you do? You should drive faster to frighten yourself into staying awake.

"The first thing I tried to do in COD4 was to try to drive a car. I got shot 19 times."

"a^2 + b^2 = C^2, who else is drunk?"

"lol, when my grandpa goes for a walk he forgets his keys 75% of the time and has to come back and get them, and he doesn't want to wear them around his neck for some reason. It's good anyway since he gets more exercise."

Kasimirz Makarczyk was one of the Polish chessmasters who participated in the Hamburg International Tournament of 1930. One evening Makarczyk was having dinner in his hotel when another gentleman entered the dining room. When passing Makarczyk he bowed slightly and said “Mahlzeit” (a German expression for “Enjoy your meal”). Makarczyk, unable to understand German, stood up quickly and with a similar bow he responded “Makarczyk”. The same ritual repeated itself the following evening and the evening after that. Makarczyk, being slightly irritated by this, inquired whether during the chess tournament if it was the custom in Germany to introduce oneself at every encounter, and was informed of the true meaning of “Mahlzeit”. Later that day at dinner time, Makarczyk decided to take the initiative himself. When he saw the stranger approaching, he jumped up, bowed slightly and in a most friendly way he said: “Mahlzeit”. The stranger was taken aback, but after only a brief moment he responded: “Makarczyk”.

"Do I throw this apple in the bin?" "No, you should carry it around with you wherever you go."

(On MSN chatting using "voice call") "Are you sniffing really loudly?" "No, i was blowing into the mic cos i was bored, and if i talk mum will think i'm talking to myself."

"Do you know what myspace is?" "Yeah, of course. it's my private space, and if someone comes into it, i punch them."

"Can you help me with my maths homework?" "Don't you have an older brother?" "Yeh, but he likes men."

"I am now Usain Bolt." "Oh, sorry Usain." "I prefer to be known as Bolt."

"I'm going somewhere where there are no mummies - take me to Peru!" Captions: "Soon later, mummies were found in Peru."

(After dropping some chess sheets) "Oh no, my precious papers!"

Borat Quotes

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the movie Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.

Borat: [while driving] Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?
Driving Instructor: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Borat: A-why not?
Driving Instructor: Because a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with.
Borat: [stunned] WHAT...? You joke?

"What's up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We're looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, [racist term referring to Africans]. Just a couple of pimps, no hoes."

"He is my neighbour Nursultan Tuyakbay. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success!"

Borat: A man yesterday, tell me if I buy a car I must buy one with a pussy magnet.
Car Dealership owner: He means a car that women like.
Borat: Yes, but where do you keep this magnet?
Car Dealership owner: [interrupts] No. There's no magnet he just means the vehicle. Women love the Hummers.
Borat: Do this have a pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: No. The vehicle itself would be a magnet.
Borat: If I give you good price, will you please put in pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: Yeah but there's no-there's no such thing in this country as a-as a magnet.

Anthem: "Kazakhstan greatest country in the world, All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium."

Two and a Half Men Quotes

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the TV series Two and a Half Men.

Judith: "Have you been saying derogatory things about me towards Jake?" Charlie: "No, why, did you want me to?"

Charlie: "Spin around girls." (2 minutes later and Charlie comes back) Charlie: "Stop spinning!"

South Park

These quotes are best understood if you have seen the cartoon series South Park.

 

Randy Marsh appears on Wheel of Fortune and is presented with a bonus round puzzle whose category is "People Who Annoy You." Randy is given the puzzle to spell: N_GGERS. He says, "I think I know the word, but I'm not sure if I should say it on TV." With five seconds to go, he reluctantly answers, "[Racist term referring to Africans]!" on live national television, shocking his family, friends and millions of viewers worldwide. The correct answer is actually "naggers", and Randy loses.

 

Posted by Webmaster on Tuesday, October 26, 2010.

 

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